Ray and Neela: A True Love Story
by starrytearss
Summary: Every love story comes with it's heartbreaks. It shapes who we are, and helps us realize who we really love. This is a Roomies centric fic settled in Season 12 during and after Lost in America. Please R&R.


_Disclaimer: All characters and properties of ER herein strictly belong to NBC, Warner Brothers, and the talented writers whom created this show. No copyright infringement intended. _

_A special thanks to my beta, Ella, whom I greatly admire for her enthusiasm and encouragement and without this story would not exist. I love you girl._

Marrying Michael was the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm realizing that now as I'm walking home from County. I've walked this path so many times before, but for some reason, tonight it feels like it's the longest walk I've ever endured. And it's not because it is winter in Chicago and it's freezing out. I'm used to that-the bitter cold. But I'm not used to this guilt in the pit of my stomach caused by what I'm planning to tell my best friend when I walk through that door. The tightness in my chest suddenly begins to rise, clutching my throat and twisting it into one huge knot. Tears spring into my eyes, and I fight to hold them back. _I can't break down now. Not yet. I have to go through with this…_and I know that if one tear falls, my entire exterior will with it.

Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong. Maybe moving in with _him _was the biggest mistake I ever made. And continuing to stay with him, maybe that's making everything worse. I was married, I shouldn't have even _considered _staying with another man. But I did. And now? Now I have hell to pay.

The feelings I have for Ray scare the hell out of me. He's a man who isn't my husband. A man who is simply my roommate. Someone who I go home to every night to find slumped on the couch, drinking beer with the apartment trashed. A man whom I share cereal with, and fight over the last of the milk. A man who I bicker with about his bloody rocker mates who decided to make our apartment their hotel. A man who seems to care more about his band than his bloody job as a doctor. The king of one-night stands.

But he is so much more than that, and I bloody know it. He is always there to make my worst days brighter. Always there for me to come home to…

_No. Stop it Neela. You can't do this now… You need to go through with this. For Michael. _

I love Michael. I miss him everyday, and dream about him almost every night. I do, I love him. But I can't help but feel a blow of hatred boil in the pit of my stomach as I think about him leaving me again to fight in the war. It hurts. It made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unneeded when he left. It still does. But I know he loves me. He wouldn't have asked me to marry him if he didn't. But there was, is, always this tiny hint of doubt in my heart as I analyzed whether if he truly did. If he did love me, wouldn't he have stayed? And be a husband? I feel a blow to my chest, and more tears spring into my eyes.

What hurts the most is that my roommate was there for me more than my husband, and, even at the time, I couldn't help but feel that he felt the same way for me… as I did for him.

The events of this morning suddenly flashed through my mind. The sight of his bare, built chest, his gentle grip on my shirt, his hot breath melting my neck… his deep, hazel eyes drowning me in them…

It took every ounce of restraint to not reach up and kiss him.

_That's the worst part…I wanted to. More than anything in the world._

But at that moment, Michael's image flashes through the forefront of my mind, reminding me that I had a husband, and I couldn't betray him, even though he betrayed me by running back across the world to fight in the war. But I am not going to betray him to get back at him. I am bigger than that. Better than that. Suddenly, I begin to think about Michael's sudden announcement about his plans to go back to Iraq. I feel my heart sink lower into my stomach, and my hands then begin to tremble at the memory.

_It was late at night. Michael and I had been arguing for hours about his split decision. I was standing by the window, he was sitting on the sofa of the apartment we were looking at. It was tense, quiet. I sighed and spoke._

" I thought you joined the army…so that it would pay for medical school…"

" I did…I did." 

"And you put your time in."

"Yes, I put my time in, but there's more to it." He wanted so much for me to understand…but I just couldn't. How can you understand that your husband wanted to leave you to go back to a war?

"More, so what?"

"Look, Neela. I don't expect you to understand…" 

I was pissed right then. "Well then explain it to me Michael because I really want to understand this!"

He looked at me, hurt in his eyes. He took a moment to think of how he wanted to word it.

"Look... something happened over there and I just…I had a purpose over there…My life had some clarity. I just cannot…abandon those guys!"

"But you can abandon me?!"

He looked at me, the guilt apparent in his eyes. But there was something more to it. A look that showed he needed me to understand. He hung his head, and I remember walking over and sitting down next to him on the sofa. 

"_Look, I understand that there is a camaraderie with the members you serve with… and I respect that, I do. If you still feel the need to experience that you can volunteer at the VA hospital!" I remember being so desperate for him to stay with me._

"It…It's not the same thing!" he said wearily. "Neela there is a war going on…people might like to forget that, but I can't. And I can't…I can't live with myself if-if I don't go back."

"Well then we'll both go. I'll volunteer as an NGR or something."

I remember Michael looking defeated. "Neela…it is too dangerous over there!"  
"Oh oh it's too dangerous for me but it's okay for you?! What a load of crap!" I stood and spun around back to the window.

"NEELA I AM A SOILDER, REMEMBER?!" he exclaimed. I spun around fiercely.

"AND YOU'RE ALSO A HUSBAND REMEMBER THAT?!" I shot back.

Michael breathed heavily, his sighs were shaky, holding back tears. Tears were already falling down my face.

"You asked me to marry you! You looked into my eyes and asked me to be your wife and to share a life together, we took vows Michael! I mean what the HELL was all that, a whim?!"

Shock engulfed his eyes, and he pointed a finger skywards. "That. Was not. A whim." I turned away from him again. "I thought I could do this, Neela. I thought of nothing else but coming home, and making a life with you. I have tried to make it work but I just…" he sighed heavily. I couldn't see his face, but there was no question in my mind; I knew that tears were falling down his face. "I just can't…stay here knowing what's going on over there. Neela I am sorry…but you know how much that I love you."

I spun around quickly and faced him. "You know, if you did…you wouldn't do this."

"If you loved me, you would understand that I have to," he said quietly.

"Well maybe that's the problem. I love you but…I still don't know you."  


I shake my head as silent tears streak down my face. I stop walking and realize that I am at the park, right beside the bench. I sit down and stare up into the sky, stare at the stars. I raise my hand to my face, wiping the tears. I still don't understand why he left. I feel selfish. But then I feel that I had a right to be that way. He was my husband…and he was supposed to be here, with me. Not thousands of miles away.

I hang my head and hold it in my hands. Silent sobs rack my body. I feel numb with the bitter cold, and with the overwhelming sadness.

I miss him. More than words could say. 

I was sitting there sobbing for an hour. I hadn't dealt with Michael's leaving properly, I'd simply let all the hate and sorrow build up for months. Now, I was letting it all go, but I wasn't feeling any better. I stand weakly, and head for the nearest bar. 

_Author's Note: Thank you guys for reading. Please send me a review. Should I continue? Thank you in advance._


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